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[icon] This is a true story, the names have been changed for privacy. - A flicker of light across the way
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Subject:This is a true story, the names have been changed for privacy.
Time:01:40 pm
Current Mood:thoughtfullike a storyteller

Hi. My name is not improtant at the moment but the reason that I joined is. I need an outlet where i can set my stories free. Where I can just write and get good, and bad advice about them.Then I can move on with my life and you can read some interresting things and tell me whether you like it or not. Now I have a story for you that I think you'll enjoy. Its about a girl, lets just call her Ashley, that has had a terrible life. Her mom was a crack addict when she was young and she was malested by her father years after that, and in between that she had been thrown from foster home to foster home with her little sister Kady. Of whom she now hates. She now lives with her grandfather, only because hergrandmother passed away from joined cancers.

And about a guy, lets call him Justin, who all his life has looked up to his older brother of six years, John. He has lived with his mother and his father all his life. In the same house. He seemed happy, bexause he was but his brother wasn't. He started doing drugs, like estacsy, and weed. he started drinking before he was old enough (but don't we all?). And by the time he was old enough he was in and out of jobs and thet house. His beloved little brother was left behind. Pretty soon Justin started following in his footsteps. He partied all night long at friends houses, he drank, and smoked weed. He stole, but most of all he didn't get any closer to his brother. By the time he was arrested he knew that that was the end of all their good times.He only got a fine because the crime wasn't commited.

The story begins at a dog show in Lakeland Fl., the two had a tie that they didn't even know existed. Justins mom, and Ashleys Aunt, both of whoom had the same name, were best friends for years. Eevn before they were born. they had plans to meet at this dog show. Now Ashley's Grandmother had owned and raised a kennel, so she was familiar to the dog show area, and Justin's mom was into it too, not to mention Ashley's Aunt as well. Wel, when they got there on June 8th they had no idea thry're lives would change forever.

Ashley was wtih a friend, her name was Lauren, and her sister Kady. They were walking down a hallway full of different dogs and groomers and handlers. lauren saw a really hot guy sitting at the end of it drinking and soda. Ashley agreed that he was hot and told Lauren to go say something to him, but she was very shy and chickened out. So she dared Ashley to do it, and Ashley never turned down a dare.

"Hey. My friend over there kinda thinks you're hot. "

TO BE CONTINUED.......

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whitestripe229
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Time:2005-07-26 09:19 pm (UTC)
Don't rush your story, the way this is written, it's like an excited 5 year old who know he has but precious seconds before the grown ups grow weary of his childish tale, so he is determined to spit it all out before that happens. Slow it down, details make a story, even a short story. If their past is really important, take the time to say it properly, and if its not worth the time it takes to say it, cut it out of the story and move on.

for example..

"They were walking down a hallway full of different dogs and groomers and handlers. lauren saw a really hot guy sitting at the end of it drinking and soda"

"a really hot guy" What made him "really hot." Was lauren the kind of girl who melted over long, dark hair? Or mabye light crystal blue eyes? Or perhaps, it was just a well defined cheek structure, like he had come out of the picture on one of those trashy romance novels. Really hot, tells us absolutely nothing.

"sitting at the end of it drinking and soda." We know there were "different dogs" and their owners in the hall, so was he sitting on the ground? Mabye on one of the dog's owners, or a dog itself?

Take time to properly describe your characters, your events, your places, and I promise it will help your writing style. When you slow the story down, the frantic writing slows down too, and you are forced to develop other skills to accomidate the slower pace.
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palmers_kiss
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Time:2005-08-05 03:41 am (UTC)
grammar, dearest. and whitestripe is right, slow down. you said that you have to get it out but after you've done so refine it so your reader can understand and sympathize.

but it sounds exciting! cant wait to read more.

melanie
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[icon] This is a true story, the names have been changed for privacy. - A flicker of light across the way
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